Sunday, March 22, 2009
This photo was taken during the never-ending on/off rain season. And somehow, much as we foresee and look forward to bright skies and good weather, somehow or other, dark ominous clouds will come and overshadow the hope that we had.
For those in the know, it's been a rough ride for me. In my last rainbow shot, I wanted to talk about how good God is. On the day I had a horrible interview, I saw the rainbow and I believed God's promise. And I passed. But, it wasn't God's will after all. Because after the awesome sight of seeing difficult doors open, the final one was shut tight. And it really made me wonder why I came so far only to find that all my efforts came to nothing. I don't know what to expect anymore. Subsequently things just started bombarding me over and over. Sheesh.
Some people may find me unsympathetic, bordering on the edge of being plain mean. I guess that's just who I am. I've been through so much alone, and learnt so much on my own, that I don't really pay heed to those who needlessly seek any attention of mine.
It's just a tiring ride for me. Been tying up a lot of loose ends recently. Sometimes I wonder that through all these, who actually sees what I'm going through. I don't broadcast my affairs, neither do I blatantly display nicks/profiles that will induce people to question (and even if I do I'd never say anything when questioned), and I will never let anyone see what's really going on in my mind. Just waiting for the time when someone will finally start noticing that I'm not having it much better than everyone after all. We're all humans. We go through struggles all. I am no exception. So people (who don't read my blog anyway), it's time to grow up and stop thinking that you've got the shorter end of the stick.
Quite annoyed at myself. I was just telling my dear youth yesterday that he needed to place his worth in the correct things in life. I am, but a hypocrite. I know what's going on in my kids' life, I help them through in the way I know is right. I know what's going on in my own life, I can't bring myself to get past it. Yes, Mad the hypocrite.
All I want to do is, sit, stare, and be free from the many demands made of me. Because I'd want to only heed sincere requests. My patience is very limited. Shove your way around one too many times, and I will not be tolerant of you anymore.
And my heartfelt desire today, well, only God knows. Just hoping that doors don't open all the way only to slam shut when I am on the verge of stepping in again. I hate harbouring false hopes. But I don't know which is better. To know that I was nearly there and turned away, or not to have even made the journey towards.
Tired. I really need to study.
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