Tuesday, July 08, 2008
The html-ing for uploading pictures in blogger suddenly changed. Noticed a "gracefully" in the html code and I was like "huh?" Oh and they have a catch(e) now. Interesting! Finally back. It's been a long time since I last blogged. Lotsa things happened. I went for a holiday, found myself a full day temp job and a weekly job too. So essentially I now hold 2 jobs, which will decrease to 1 job once I start school again.
I realised, I'm really filling up my time now. Gone is the Mad who used to love having breaks because it meant having nothing to do. Now, if I have even one day of just sitting around, I feel uneasy. Why? I think I know. But oh well. Was planning my timetable for my next sem. Time spent in school is still little, but with the amount of workload I'm taking, I shall say bye-bye to all my time. Anyway not like I'd be going out a lot during the school term since the main 'hogger' of my evenings *coughcough* will not be around.
I was just thinking through. Through the many committees and events that have been happening this year, I've really learnt to dare to speak up and voice out what I think. Unfortunately with that it also means that I think much more for myself and stop believing just anything that people say.
My goal for the rest of this year, is to learn to be more independent. Not just calling up shops and going down myself to get my laptop repaired, getting things done without others to help, but it's more about daring to do things, not getting freaked out by what others might think of me. I want that for myself. Dependence is a weakness if I'm forever scared. Independence is a strength, and I can rely on others but I'd like to be able to accomplish the same things should I not have help. Not reaching the place of vulnerability and betrayal anymore. Yes I'm working towards that. I'm waiting for the day I graduate and have a stable income, when I'm able to provide for myself. That's still, a bit of a way ahead.
Soon, I'll need to revise the relationships I've been keeping. It seems that everytime I admit to myself that "I trust ___", something happens with that person that disappoints me yet again. It's almost time to start breaking off relationships in which I'm almost becoming emotionally dependent on the other person. Been there, done that, barely made it through. No wish to go through all that crap ever again. But for now, while I'm trying to make myself as busy as possible, I'd allow myself this little vulnerability. When I'm slightly free-er, I think it'd be about time to start cutting all these unnecessary ties to people which I absolutely do not need.
Call me dumb, but that's the way I function. Oh well. Love my camera to bits. And my lappie. And my phone. At least they are more reliable than people. And they are programmable.
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