Saturday, November 24, 2007
Better blog before I lose all mood to do anything.
Went for a 1 hour hot date with myself. In all honesty I hate the running. I love the way the wind blows against my face, how all surrounding noise disappears and all I can hear is myself. But it's pretty painful to push myself. The sense of satisfaction, though, from having pushed through the entire hour, is irreplaceable. Yes my lungs burn and I feel like sleeping on the pavement, but, I'm happy.
I needed this. The clearing out of my mind that is. Hot dates kill my physical body but do wonders (k maybe I'm exaggerating) for my mind. I realised one thing through the run:. I have a weak will. Everytime I tell myself "k, I'll run to that point then I'll rest" I will almost definitely stop before that. My mind screams at me to continue running but my body just shuts down without the slightest warning.
Same with my own personal self I guess. I set resolutions for myself, I keep reminding myself, I threaten to do things I don't want to do should I give in, yet I still do. Dear Mad, it's time to show your body who's boss. It ain't the pain; it ain't the emotions. The brain is king, because the brain is the most practical and thinks out everything systematically before telling me to do anything.
I hate..... Giving in. It's time to steel my will and not give in anymore. By being soft I'm just allowing the frustration to continue for much longer.
I somehow, really don't like attending services. Not don't like as in "I don't want to go church", but don't like as in "God, why?" Somehow every sermon recently has been somewhat poking at me. But me being my nomal stubborn self, well, still have a lot to sort out on my own. Anyway, I'm responsible for my ownself. No one is responsible for me. I remember saying this a while ago.
Somehow I really hate being kept in the dark. No it's not about the gag order, I fully respect that. Besides I do have an inkling what will happen to me. God has an uncanny way of showing me that only His will counts in my life. It's about being kept in the dark about personal matters, about things going on around me that concern me. Yet somehow it seems as though I'm not trustworthy enough to be confided in? Yes I know I need to earn the trust. But, really, I've tried and tried and tried. It's, just not enough being 2nd best. Because in being second best, I am the second choice, which is no choice at all. I absolutely abhor being approached only because the best one/most favoured is unavailable.
But it's alright. Stick to my resolution. Steel my will, listen to the brain. Bear hard enough now and it will become 2nd nature to me. Don't know what I'm talking about? Ask only if you really care.
Meanwhile I think I really need a bath and a cold cuppa coffee. I'm sticky and gross.
Went for a 1 hour hot date with myself. In all honesty I hate the running. I love the way the wind blows against my face, how all surrounding noise disappears and all I can hear is myself. But it's pretty painful to push myself. The sense of satisfaction, though, from having pushed through the entire hour, is irreplaceable. Yes my lungs burn and I feel like sleeping on the pavement, but, I'm happy.
I needed this. The clearing out of my mind that is. Hot dates kill my physical body but do wonders (k maybe I'm exaggerating) for my mind. I realised one thing through the run:. I have a weak will. Everytime I tell myself "k, I'll run to that point then I'll rest" I will almost definitely stop before that. My mind screams at me to continue running but my body just shuts down without the slightest warning.
Same with my own personal self I guess. I set resolutions for myself, I keep reminding myself, I threaten to do things I don't want to do should I give in, yet I still do. Dear Mad, it's time to show your body who's boss. It ain't the pain; it ain't the emotions. The brain is king, because the brain is the most practical and thinks out everything systematically before telling me to do anything.
I hate..... Giving in. It's time to steel my will and not give in anymore. By being soft I'm just allowing the frustration to continue for much longer.
I somehow, really don't like attending services. Not don't like as in "I don't want to go church", but don't like as in "God, why?" Somehow every sermon recently has been somewhat poking at me. But me being my nomal stubborn self, well, still have a lot to sort out on my own. Anyway, I'm responsible for my ownself. No one is responsible for me. I remember saying this a while ago.
Somehow I really hate being kept in the dark. No it's not about the gag order, I fully respect that. Besides I do have an inkling what will happen to me. God has an uncanny way of showing me that only His will counts in my life. It's about being kept in the dark about personal matters, about things going on around me that concern me. Yet somehow it seems as though I'm not trustworthy enough to be confided in? Yes I know I need to earn the trust. But, really, I've tried and tried and tried. It's, just not enough being 2nd best. Because in being second best, I am the second choice, which is no choice at all. I absolutely abhor being approached only because the best one/most favoured is unavailable.
But it's alright. Stick to my resolution. Steel my will, listen to the brain. Bear hard enough now and it will become 2nd nature to me. Don't know what I'm talking about? Ask only if you really care.
Meanwhile I think I really need a bath and a cold cuppa coffee. I'm sticky and gross.
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