Sunday, September 23, 2007
The signs are so similar to what happened so many times. I can almost predict what's going to happen next. Yet I'm not making the effort to change anything, simply because I'm too tired to. So what if anything changes? Will the heartache be any less? I have no idea. I have no motivation to find out. But I know what the outcome is going to turn out since I'm not doing anything. I know it all too well. I dread it's approach. Because I barely made it up from the fall. I may not make it the next time round. Maybe I should just hope that by the time everything falls apart yet again, the heartache from the last time would have eased.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. I can bend over backwards, I tolerate, and everyone takes me for granted. Not that I'm at a position to complain though. Stay out of my life because I'm more than happy to stay out of yours. But I'd like to have friends who'd at least realise that I exist. And care that I do so. I don't want to play the best friend game anymore. It's fun for a while, then it starts eating away at my common sense, then I begin to realise that I've lost so much more by allowing myself those moments of vulnerability. Well, that's just the way I am I guess. Not someone whom a friend wishes to keep. And it ends up with me feeling all too stupid for thinking that perhaps, this time would turn out good. Because it never does.
And well, I'm just really tired. I keep saying I'm tired. The truth is, I'm always more tired as time passes. I have no idea why, but I can't seem to rest enough. Worse is that even though its my mid-term break, I have so much work and mugging to do that it doesn't seem any different. I'm really tired of everything. I so sorely wanted to scold people just now, who were 'tsking' me for not doing my homework today. Please, I have enough things on my mind. I don't need additional people breathing down my neck.
Perhaps one day I'll just walk off. It's not a foreign thing to me. It's difficult getting used to the change only. It's nice. Walk out of others' life before you lose all your worth. While they take you for granted, at least disappear when they still feel it. My judgement of timing is still a bit off though. Maybe I'll need to practice more. Just walking out without the usual month's notice. Nice.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. I can bend over backwards, I tolerate, and everyone takes me for granted. Not that I'm at a position to complain though. Stay out of my life because I'm more than happy to stay out of yours. But I'd like to have friends who'd at least realise that I exist. And care that I do so. I don't want to play the best friend game anymore. It's fun for a while, then it starts eating away at my common sense, then I begin to realise that I've lost so much more by allowing myself those moments of vulnerability. Well, that's just the way I am I guess. Not someone whom a friend wishes to keep. And it ends up with me feeling all too stupid for thinking that perhaps, this time would turn out good. Because it never does.
And well, I'm just really tired. I keep saying I'm tired. The truth is, I'm always more tired as time passes. I have no idea why, but I can't seem to rest enough. Worse is that even though its my mid-term break, I have so much work and mugging to do that it doesn't seem any different. I'm really tired of everything. I so sorely wanted to scold people just now, who were 'tsking' me for not doing my homework today. Please, I have enough things on my mind. I don't need additional people breathing down my neck.
Perhaps one day I'll just walk off. It's not a foreign thing to me. It's difficult getting used to the change only. It's nice. Walk out of others' life before you lose all your worth. While they take you for granted, at least disappear when they still feel it. My judgement of timing is still a bit off though. Maybe I'll need to practice more. Just walking out without the usual month's notice. Nice.
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