Monday, July 16, 2007
Perhaps this is what I look for in a job. I was surfing through random images, and I just had to laugh when I saw how true this cartoon is. Maybe that's just what I need in my life. I feel as though my aims are all wrong, that perhaps I'm headed towards some dark murky place because that's where I'm meant to go. But it's not like it'll affect me that much because I have some semblance of an idea of where everything's headed - nowhere.
I've always been thinking that I need to move on with my life. More so now because I'm starting yet another school term. Somehow I absolutely hate it when others take me for granted, that I'm given to always be around when they need me to and still be around when they don't give a heck. I won't say anything about it, I just won't. When people throw the most hurting words, I won't reply not because I have nothing to say. I have a lot of nasty things to saying that might cut deeply, but I choose not to. Because while others don't care what happens to me, I do want to make sure at least I don't cause damage to others.
Somehow, I just should not be so reckless. And that means sleeping early and not doing anything stupid when I'm half conscious in the middle of the night. I choose to leave things as it is, even though my own instinct is screaming at me to get off my butt and DO SOMETHING! Anything! Even if it kills me, do something! But my own common sense (Yes I do actually possess one) tells me to take a step back. Anyone can choose what they want to do with me, but it doesn't mean I'll have to react. Nonchalence might be the best way to go about it, because negative and positive reactions are still, reactions, meaning I still care. But nonchalence means that I don't even bother with what's going on. It's a greater insult to anyone concerned.
I may not be the best in everything, but one thing I've learnt throughout this journey, is that being 2nd best onwards amounts to nothing. I can try as hard as I want, I can grit my teeth and endure others' opinions, yet, it still amounts to nothing. It's a sad fact, but so true. I look at my life and I wonder why everything is the way it is. But it's what I have, it's not my business if no one wants it; I can feel upset for a moment, but at least this life is mine. I thank God for providing for me. He has been most gracious with me and I will at least treasure what I have even when no one appreciates any efforts I make just because I'm never the best. It's alright. I think through all these, I accept it, and I think of what I shall do next. Not that I do a lot though.
Like I said in an earlier post, I sense an immense disappointment coming my way. It's still building up though. For disappointment to take place, something must take great significance in my life. It is growing in importance and more so day by day. Hence the disappointment will be great, but I don't think it will be as bad as the last time. Everytime it happens I just grow more numb to it all. It does not mean that when the disappointment is smaller I'm less affected, but everything just builds up upon each other, simply because I've been stupid enough to allow such things into my life. But it's alright. I'm expecting the time to come. When it comes, I may not be able to get back up, but at least I expected it, so it would seem more bearable.
I still wish for simple happiness. It seems to elude me everytime. I should be positive. Believe that happiness is just around the corner, even though I'm scared that I'm once again bluffing myself. Ok, let's try that. Mad, be patient, press on because true happiness will appear if you hold on long enough. I would love to know that that is true. I wish it is. But I have no idea.
Ah well, that's my life. I don't even know why I write all these down sometimes. But it's my blog. My thoughts, my feelings, me. Anything that I don't wish to forget I write it down. Maybe one day I'll look back and laugh at these posts. But I know that my thinking would not change much. I'll look back, understand what I've been through, and thank God that I'm still sane.
Comments:
Post a Comment
