Monday, June 25, 2007
There are idiots and there are asinine idiots. And there are asinin-er idiots. Rare are those who can make me cry, but they do exist. 1 year ago I would've never seen myself in the state I am today. I would never have for the life of me hated others, not bear grudges against other people, nor feel as crappy as I do today. But truth is reality. There are people that I absolutely can't bear to even talk to. And there are people I don't even wish to have anything to do with.
But then again, in this small space, everyone is interlinked. I can't escape avoiding some people forever because it just does not work that way. I figure the only way to get over this is to throw away every single thing, delete all the emails and messages linked to these people. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to hoard things. Getting rid of the virtual things is virtually tough already, what more the physical items? But if I could get over it, I may actually be a happier person. The word is "may". I know that I can only get over one thing only to face another. It's not as if my life centres only around one thing. Life is reality. Reality is harsh. There will never only be one thing that will bother me. No. There will be a web of different things of all shapes and sizes that form the main structure of my life. I will never be able to get rid of one solitary part because in an interwoven web, get rid of one=get rid of all at one go.
Yeah right.
My birthday has just passed. From 10 candles my cake now has 2 candles. It's much less trouble to light up. I mentioned a year ago that I have always wanted a particular present for my birthday but I didn't get it. I don't ever see myself capable of achieving such a present. If you're wondering, it's not physical. I spent part of the day crying actually, but that's not the point. I thank God for friends who truly care. They may not be all that familiar with me, but nonetheless interacting with them makes everything easier to handle. I've been asking God for some things in my life. But somehow even though God has answered some, it seems that there comes along with it a price to pay. I've been happier since it happened, and I'm really grateful that my prayers were heard. Yet I'm beginning to sense that disappointment is just about to knock on my door. It's always the case anyways. It happened everytime so what would make me think that it won't happen again? It's just a matter of time before I'll try and convince myself that everything is alright when in fact, nothing is.
Recently some thoughts that have always been in my mind are starting to re-surface. Many times I wonder what the heck am I doing with my life. And many times, I force myself to continue because I'm just too lazy to answer to people should I make the changes in my life. I was telling a friend just the other day over msn that sometimes, expectations are not necessarily good. It may motivate one, but may also destroy the person. I've survived expectations many times, but once again that's not the point. Perhaps I just think that I'm really not suited for this since I'm never useful enough. But problem is I don't see anywhere else which I can possibly belong to. Wow. Who knows, I could just stop pushing myself to survive my way through this because it would make my life much simplier and me feeling much less crappy and useless.
But all these aside. I don't have enormous ambitions. I just wish to have a happy life. But it seems that for me, that is still to much to ask for. One day, I might just learn to bear with it all. One day.
But then again, in this small space, everyone is interlinked. I can't escape avoiding some people forever because it just does not work that way. I figure the only way to get over this is to throw away every single thing, delete all the emails and messages linked to these people. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to hoard things. Getting rid of the virtual things is virtually tough already, what more the physical items? But if I could get over it, I may actually be a happier person. The word is "may". I know that I can only get over one thing only to face another. It's not as if my life centres only around one thing. Life is reality. Reality is harsh. There will never only be one thing that will bother me. No. There will be a web of different things of all shapes and sizes that form the main structure of my life. I will never be able to get rid of one solitary part because in an interwoven web, get rid of one=get rid of all at one go.
Yeah right.
My birthday has just passed. From 10 candles my cake now has 2 candles. It's much less trouble to light up. I mentioned a year ago that I have always wanted a particular present for my birthday but I didn't get it. I don't ever see myself capable of achieving such a present. If you're wondering, it's not physical. I spent part of the day crying actually, but that's not the point. I thank God for friends who truly care. They may not be all that familiar with me, but nonetheless interacting with them makes everything easier to handle. I've been asking God for some things in my life. But somehow even though God has answered some, it seems that there comes along with it a price to pay. I've been happier since it happened, and I'm really grateful that my prayers were heard. Yet I'm beginning to sense that disappointment is just about to knock on my door. It's always the case anyways. It happened everytime so what would make me think that it won't happen again? It's just a matter of time before I'll try and convince myself that everything is alright when in fact, nothing is.
Recently some thoughts that have always been in my mind are starting to re-surface. Many times I wonder what the heck am I doing with my life. And many times, I force myself to continue because I'm just too lazy to answer to people should I make the changes in my life. I was telling a friend just the other day over msn that sometimes, expectations are not necessarily good. It may motivate one, but may also destroy the person. I've survived expectations many times, but once again that's not the point. Perhaps I just think that I'm really not suited for this since I'm never useful enough. But problem is I don't see anywhere else which I can possibly belong to. Wow. Who knows, I could just stop pushing myself to survive my way through this because it would make my life much simplier and me feeling much less crappy and useless.
But all these aside. I don't have enormous ambitions. I just wish to have a happy life. But it seems that for me, that is still to much to ask for. One day, I might just learn to bear with it all. One day.
Lao Yew Thong and I during life conference.
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