Sunday, January 21, 2007
Sometimes its not about the hype, its not about how God is moving in the place. It's just myself, that I 'm not able to bring myself to sing the simplest of simplest of songs. Sure, songs which go " Jesus I believe in You and I will go to the ends of the earth..." or even Running after You, I'm not able to speak the words out. I mean what I sing. Till today I have the tendency to shut my mouth if I'm not confident of meaning the words I sing. Songs which glorify God, yes I voice the words easily. Songs which require the whole of me to do something, is a totally different story.
Which surprises me too. I can't bring myself to sing that "The latter will be greater... The best is yet to come" I haven't brought myself to a place of believing that, so I can't sing it. I still believe that there is a peak of everyone's life. Is it going to mean the same for a person who has reached the peak, as compared to a person who has reached the top but is now at rockbottom? I would say that it encompasses totally different significance for different people.
And well, I was surprised at myself, because when the congregation started singing the simple childrens' song "Jesus loves me this I know..." My mouth did not open. To me this song somehow implies an underlying child-like faith. I'm not able to bring myself back to the place of child-like faith in God. Somehow it feels as though the past 19 1/2 years of my life has twisted and distorted my perspective. Sure I have faith. I get cynical many times, I would surely in no sense refer to it as child-like. Which makes me feel like a hypocrite because many times when I pray for my youths I sense this issue of child-like faith and pray that over them. Yet I myself am not able to reach that place of simply saying "Jesus, I believe in You because Your word says so. I know You love me because I am Your child" And while thinking that, a flood of thoughts easily flow into my mind. And I know I do not possess the child-like faith that I've been praying for so many people, and that which I've been seeking.
Well, and recently I've been feeling tired. Maybe it's because I've been trying hard not to let my emotions show on my face. Not that I can boast that I've climbed the mountains and crossed over many seas, but just living life is tiring. I feel as though I've more or less reached the limit. Sure I put in a lot of effort into making people happy, when most of the time I'd rather be sitting in a corner and thinking to myself about random things. And I wonder why do I live my life in such a way? Do I live a life that wants to please people, or am I just trying to attain self-satisfaction? Till I'm tempted by thoughts of pulling away from all friendships and just exist for the sake of exist. Perhaps it would be easier not to have to think of what to say next, how to act next, Sure it would be very lonely, but it would be easier in a way.
But for now, I'll still survive. So long as I have my bolster to bury my face in everytime I'm feeling down, which is increasingly more often recently, I'll stay sane.
Which surprises me too. I can't bring myself to sing that "The latter will be greater... The best is yet to come" I haven't brought myself to a place of believing that, so I can't sing it. I still believe that there is a peak of everyone's life. Is it going to mean the same for a person who has reached the peak, as compared to a person who has reached the top but is now at rockbottom? I would say that it encompasses totally different significance for different people.
And well, I was surprised at myself, because when the congregation started singing the simple childrens' song "Jesus loves me this I know..." My mouth did not open. To me this song somehow implies an underlying child-like faith. I'm not able to bring myself back to the place of child-like faith in God. Somehow it feels as though the past 19 1/2 years of my life has twisted and distorted my perspective. Sure I have faith. I get cynical many times, I would surely in no sense refer to it as child-like. Which makes me feel like a hypocrite because many times when I pray for my youths I sense this issue of child-like faith and pray that over them. Yet I myself am not able to reach that place of simply saying "Jesus, I believe in You because Your word says so. I know You love me because I am Your child" And while thinking that, a flood of thoughts easily flow into my mind. And I know I do not possess the child-like faith that I've been praying for so many people, and that which I've been seeking.
Well, and recently I've been feeling tired. Maybe it's because I've been trying hard not to let my emotions show on my face. Not that I can boast that I've climbed the mountains and crossed over many seas, but just living life is tiring. I feel as though I've more or less reached the limit. Sure I put in a lot of effort into making people happy, when most of the time I'd rather be sitting in a corner and thinking to myself about random things. And I wonder why do I live my life in such a way? Do I live a life that wants to please people, or am I just trying to attain self-satisfaction? Till I'm tempted by thoughts of pulling away from all friendships and just exist for the sake of exist. Perhaps it would be easier not to have to think of what to say next, how to act next, Sure it would be very lonely, but it would be easier in a way.
But for now, I'll still survive. So long as I have my bolster to bury my face in everytime I'm feeling down, which is increasingly more often recently, I'll stay sane.
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