Thursday, December 07, 2006
Someone sent me this song "That's when I love You" by Aslyn. I normally scoff at love songs because it's all fantasy and unrealistic feelings. This song, however, is very real; I enjoy listening to the lyrics.
Sometimes I tend to think that I'm a gag. God made all man in His image, but when He came to me (no offence :s) somehow He decided to put in mediocre skills in a wide range of aspects, insane amounts of loyalty, extra sensitivity, the traits to make me be depressed at nothing at all, less of bravery, lack of good organisational skills, a tendency to think too much when nothing is happening at all. I feel as though my life is a joke, that somewhere someplace, someone is watching my life like a movie and laughing at every thought I make. Well, I do thank God for my family. They are what I really treasure. I thank God for His favour on my family members. I know I am blessed, but somehow I have pretty much difficulty accepting my character, and I do hate the way I think.
And I realised that I do not have any form of perseverence at all. I keep telling myself to hang on till the end of the year, but at the end of the day I feel like giving up totally. Then I start thinking about what I really want, what the consequences would be should I give up, and I start messing up my head again. And the next day I tell myself that there is only so many more days left and I should just keep going till then. Likewise it's night now. I want to give up. It's just difficult to keep going when there's no form of motivation to keep me going. Seems like I'm doing it on my own. Yeah and I dislike to be dependent upon people. I wish I didn't start depending on people, because people are the ones who will fail you ultimately. When I depend on myself, I fail, I face my own wrath. When others fail me, I still have myself to blame. And so the point of it all is?
I regret the way I handled some things over these 3 years. Many times I wish that I didn't do such things, then everything would be easier on me today, and I wouldn't be so grossly irritated with myself.
Ah well, life's pretty much a joke. Yes I do make others laugh, but I feel like a joke too.
Sometimes I tend to think that I'm a gag. God made all man in His image, but when He came to me (no offence :s) somehow He decided to put in mediocre skills in a wide range of aspects, insane amounts of loyalty, extra sensitivity, the traits to make me be depressed at nothing at all, less of bravery, lack of good organisational skills, a tendency to think too much when nothing is happening at all. I feel as though my life is a joke, that somewhere someplace, someone is watching my life like a movie and laughing at every thought I make. Well, I do thank God for my family. They are what I really treasure. I thank God for His favour on my family members. I know I am blessed, but somehow I have pretty much difficulty accepting my character, and I do hate the way I think.
And I realised that I do not have any form of perseverence at all. I keep telling myself to hang on till the end of the year, but at the end of the day I feel like giving up totally. Then I start thinking about what I really want, what the consequences would be should I give up, and I start messing up my head again. And the next day I tell myself that there is only so many more days left and I should just keep going till then. Likewise it's night now. I want to give up. It's just difficult to keep going when there's no form of motivation to keep me going. Seems like I'm doing it on my own. Yeah and I dislike to be dependent upon people. I wish I didn't start depending on people, because people are the ones who will fail you ultimately. When I depend on myself, I fail, I face my own wrath. When others fail me, I still have myself to blame. And so the point of it all is?
I regret the way I handled some things over these 3 years. Many times I wish that I didn't do such things, then everything would be easier on me today, and I wouldn't be so grossly irritated with myself.
Ah well, life's pretty much a joke. Yes I do make others laugh, but I feel like a joke too.
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